I used to think it was me, but it was you. I’ve been drama free since leaving VF, imagine that. It’s almost like cutting out bitches like they were weeds really did the trick.
I let you go fourteen blissful years ago. I struggled with self-esteem issues. I struggled with how I saw myself. I struggled with wondering if I had really been abused. You made me question myself, you made me feel like I was less than human. You made me feel like no was a shade of grey that could be turned into a yes with enough persistence.
You cheated on me. You left me physically scarred. You left me with emotional scars that I had thought had healed over…
It’s been fourteen years, and for the first time in my life, I read your words for what they were. A need for you to feel absolved from your sins. When I forgave you all those years ago, I didn’t do it for you. I did it for me. I watched my skin heal until your marks were gone. I worked on myself until I realized I’m not the armored little girl that needed love.
On New Year’s Eve, I spoke your name for the last time. I told my family just how weak I had been, and how strong I had become. I let them see the abuse that shaped me. I gave them a glimpse of the hell you put me through. My New Year’s Resolution isn’t a resolution so much as an absolution.
You might have taken back your half baked apology to shield yourself, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Things are good for me. I have family. I have a husband that means the world to me. I have the most amazingly perfect daughter. I have everything I ever wanted, and not because I needed love, but because I decided that I am worthy of love.
Today I realize you don’t deserve my words. Some might see this as a need to address you, but it’s me I’m addressing. It’s me I’m reminding that your comfort isn’t my problem. That you do not deserve my acknowledgment. That my absence of response puts the weight of your actions where it belongs. On you.
This year I’m done thinking of the past. I’m done letting myself be weighed by the pain others have left on me. This year, I am done apologizing for being too trusting, for loving too easily, for giving myself to those that don’t deserve it. That speaks more of others than it does myself.
I’m very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very tired.
I wish it would just stop, that I didn’t care every time I find another set of trinkets I set aside for you. I’m so tired of seeing the lengths I would go to to make you happy, even if you didn’t see it, even if you didn’t care to see it, because it the end it was for nothing. It was all for nothing. All I have is remembrance all that time I wasted on you when I could have just given up and written. I could have been published, but I wanted to share the glory with you. I could have achieved so much, and now, now that I have the strength for it, it’s the time that lacks.
